I really have no idea what I’m doing.

Over 3 years ago, I left my so-called cushy job as a software engineer, at one of the biggest tech companies in the world. I told everyone that I left to start my own business and pursue my art, which was true, in part. So aspirational, right?

The much more uncomfortable reality was that my 6-month mental health leave of absence was about to end, and I just couldn’t bear to go back to that job. I told myself lots of things: that being my own boss means I’ll never have to suffer again, that being an artist full-time means I’ll never have to question if I’m wasting my life, that I’ll go back to work after a year if the art business thing doesn’t work out. Well, one year turned into 2…and then 3….and here I am now nearing the end of my savings, still yet to figure out this “business thing”.

Most well-intentioned people have offered me advice on strategy, or positioning, or suggest places and channels where I could sell my art. As if that were ever the issue. High-level strategy, visioning and planning were always things I excelled at. The real issue, to sum it up, is: I couldn’t get out of my own damn way.

I grew my skills as a painter, created several paintings, then realized I didn’t actually like painting enough to make it a business. I picked up neon glasswork, made a couple pieces that I was really proud of, got a few commission requests, who I then ghosted. I honed my Chinese calligraphy practice, experimented with creating calligraphic art, which picked up some traction before I moved onto the next thing. I learned to design fonts for a whole year, made 2 typefaces that I love, even created landing pages to sell them, but now they’re just sitting in a folder unpublished.

But the thing is, despite not following through on releasing my work, all of these creative processes were such profoundly enriching experiences for me. I had fun and learned so much, in terms of technical craftsmanship, sure, but also in terms of how to be an artist. How to feel for intuition, how to translate ideas from one medium to other, how to know when something’s not quite right. What it means to be really in it, to surrender, to wait, to return. And then, to share it with others, to attempt to offer it to the world (that’s what a business is).

Since I’ve been struggling to release the actual products* of my work, I’m going to release the process of my work in the meantime, through writing. I’ve built up so many analogies and frameworks and concepts about work, art, life, expression, spirituality, energy, that they deserve exist beyond the “musings” drawer of my notes app. I really have no idea what I will write about from day to day, but I know I have a lot to share. And I have faith that connections between all my creative ideas and practices will reveal itself in my writing over time.

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* I’m working on releasing the actual products of my work as well! Please be patient with me as I work through my mental blocks — which I will probably write about.